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A Message From Live Power Doppler

Andrew Freedman @ 10:00 AM

Fox News Chicago has been boasting recently that their new "Live Power Doppler" radar is the most powerful radar in the Midwest. Here now is the radar itself to plead its case for why this boast is justified.

Jason Samenow's Forecast

Forecast Confidence: HighToday: Partly sunny and hot -- moderate humidity. Slight chance of a late day or evening storm (20%). Highs 89-94. Southwest winds around 10mph.
Tonight: A slight chance of evening storms then partly cloudy. Lows 69-74 (suburbs to city).
Monday: Partly sunny, very warm and humid with a 40% chance of afternoon and evening thunderstorms. Highs 88-93.

Hello all, and regards to some of you.

Fox News's claims are true, but they don't go far enough, you hearing me? Other radars, like the National Weather Service's pitiful WSR 88D (the 'D' stands for "drunk") are too old, too slow and too tired to notice most of what goes on in the air above you and me.

Other radars detect storms... I become them, dissect them, and come to own them. Storms are simple creatures and easy to bribe. They each need fuel, whether we're talking about a Cat. 3 hurricane (which I can see from Lockport, Illinois since my range is 6,021 miles), or an afternoon air mass thunderstorm.

I've saved the lives of 3,229 people in just the six weeks that I've been online.

I personally delivered twin baby girls on a rural roadside while tracking an F3 tornado two hundred miles away from my house, which is on top of a water tower in Lockport, Illinois. At least I have a toilet nearby. You hear me Lockport? You best be heeding my words.

Other radars are known by their numbers. I'm known by my first name: Kram.

Other radars rotate within a dome. I have no patience for a dome, and no need for one since I don't even rotate like other radars do. I'm all seeing, you dig? I have eyes everywhere. I sense the weather as if I'm dreaming, just as Harry Potter dreams of Lord Voldemort when evil is about to strike (late at night I sneak off the tower and hitch hike to see a midnight show at the Navy Pier IMAX).

Other radars have an update time of five to ten minutes, which shows a forecaster what the weather was like five to ten minutes earlier. That's stupid. I update five minutes before the present.

I have a tattoo of a cumulonimbus cloud.

I bench press hurricanes.

I invented the beeping sounds that other radars make.

I have a baby named Cloinka who lives with her mom in Norman, Oklahoma.

I can detect noctilucent clouds, and clouds you people ain't even discovered yet.

But what I really long for is to have weekends off.

I work too hard, and all I ask is some recognition for it. The least you can do is let Fox News boast about me. So lay off.

P.S. It's going to rain in ten minutes. Also, I just saved your cat from a burning building.

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